Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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