that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
