i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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