Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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