I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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