I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
