I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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