Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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