I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
