I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
