I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
