9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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