I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
