i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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