i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
