He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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