Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
