hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
