I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
