Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
