I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
