They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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