dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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