I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
