i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
