I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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