u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
