We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
