I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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