just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
