you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
