I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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