i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't deserve a penis
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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