im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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