Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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