i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
