Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
