are you still at the devil's house?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
