Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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