I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
