Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
