They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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