i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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