either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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