Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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