Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
