the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
