I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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