just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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