really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
