i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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