my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
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why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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