U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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